wanted: woody woodpecker, preferably dead, wednesday

**disclaimer**

you can send me all the hate mail you want for this post, i don't care. i know how to hit the delete button, so just save yourself some time and pretend like you sent it and i deleted it. whatever you say is not gonna change me anyways, so there!

now don't get me wrong. i LOVE animals (when they aren't destroying my property) but, i have entered into a war with the woodpeckers and carpenter bees around my house. we have been cursed with carpenter bees which bore holes in exposed wood (like the wood that holds my house up!) and lay their larvae in the holes.

EXHIBIT A:


guess what likes to eat carpenter bee larvae?

yep. woodpeckers.

so not only do i get woken up in the early mornings (a really bad thing, trust me) by the woodpeckers looking for breakfast, but now i don't have small holes in my wood. i have GINORMOUS gouges in the wood.

EXHIBIT B & C:




my house is gonna crash down on my head one day! luckily, the bees are gone during the winter, so the woodpeckers are too, but they also damage my baccy barn, my trellis for our muscadines, and our trees.

so, does anybody know how to humanely get rid of woodpeckers? if not, i'm gonna have to resort to using my shotgun this spring! oh, and don't tell me to get rid of the carpenter bees, because we try to do that too. we have this lovely sport we invented called "bee whacking" (my nutritionist loved it, because she said it's good exercise! lol) i think the last two years we have gotten over 200 bees each year, and yes we do keep count, right on the marker board on the fridge. :p~~~

bee whacking requires badmitton rackets*, lots of energy, and good hand-eye coordination. it's actually really fun to particpate, but even funner to watch somebody else attempt. if you get really good at it, you can get 2-n-1 when they are connected together in the air**. also, if you hit them just right, you can whack them right in half or sometimes they just get stuck in between the strings.

EXHIBIT D & E: not a great pic, but you can tell she's missing her butt or abdomen or thorax or whatever you call that big part! and yes, i DO know that's a she because of the white dot on her head.



just like this one is a she too. the females are usually the more aggressive and territorial ones. the males (aka: wussies) usually just fly away when you swing and miss, the females keep coming after you :)

~~~copying microblogologist*** copying literalDan section~~~

*i guess tennis rackets would work too but badmitton rackets give you a longer reach :)

** i don't know if they are getting romantic or fighting (they are very territorial) but they join up in flight and that makes them much slower and easier to hit.

***if i'm your minion for copying you, what do i call you? my master? and does that mean you are literalDan's minion and he is your master?? lol